Mgccl's Ivory Towerso tired

我感觉自己不存在于任何一个群体中.

一个常常转学的人,似乎没有可能有真正的好朋友.

一生我的学生经历
名字[走的时候的年级]
造漆场幼儿园[0]->北塘小学[3]->屯溪路小学[4]->Eastlake小学[4]->Maroubra Junction Public School[5]->屯溪路小学[5]->合肥48中[8]->Randwick High School[10]->Shoreham-Wading River High school[12]->Stony Brook University[?]

最长的,就是在SWR呆的时间了. 这段时间我真的在一个学校呆了4年.
从早同龄人1年上学...最后比同龄人晚进大学2年...

转学未必是我寂寞的主要因素. 改变文化环境才是最主要的原因.
我去澳大利亚之前,我就是一般的学生. 虽然转学几次,但是还是正常中国小孩一个. 和朋友也玩的很正常.
去了澳大利亚,回国后,我就是完全不同的人类了.人生观,价值观,世界观已经不再是一个普通中国小孩的水准. 不过融入班级和社会也没啥困难.(题外话 在澳大利亚两年,数学,中文水平弄得连3年级学生都不如. 于是我爸抽空,2个星期把我提到5年级的水平.[这也表明了一件事情: 小学内容是在太简单. 以后我培养孩子,让他1个月解决小学6年级.])
我在澳大利亚的时候也不怎么样. 到最后也没有融入其他孩子的社会. 一般还是和我ESL的几个同学比较熟. 正是因为我没有融入社会.我每天就去图书馆读一堆书. 那对我的改变还是蛮大的.
初中之后,再次出国. 到了澳大利亚. 又一次的人生观,价值观,世界观的改变. 这段时间我去图书馆的次数明显变少了.
高中去美国. 文化再一次被修改. 我终于成为一个无法融入任何文化的个体.

说起来,每一次出国,我都说出国好. 因为出国让我见到了更多事情,并且让我体验到了一些原来无法体验的东西.

在美国的时候,是第一次让我感到了无比的自信. 我开始花时间学很多东西,并且认为我有能力去做. 这种感觉真好. 我真的在这个状态下做了很多小时候都没有去干的事情. 比如. 我一直感觉编程博大精深. 后来高中时下定决心去弄, 才发现编程原来简单无比. (都是因为我爸一直说编程很难,他都做不来,我才以为是多么困难的东西.)

在不同文化环境中的奔波, 我渐渐和每一种文化疏远了.

而且我并不知道在某个场合下应该做什么. 可惜哦,这让我和很多东西疏远了.
我对文化也不敏感,没兴趣,无好感了.
文化是随时会变的东西. 文学,音乐,社会科学,自然科学...
这些都可能会变.
只有形式科学是不会改变的...
所以我在学数学和CS.

而这也导致了我的寂寞. 没有文化,怎么和一般人交流. 我能说的东西就只有一些专业的东西.
无法和常人交流. 就和常人分开了. 分开了就寂寞了.

人是群居动物. 但是lone human却很难以置信. 因为现在人已经占领了整个世界,做什么都需要用到其他人.
狼也是群居动物. 不过有lone wolf的存在.

I love how I don't care about how I look!
"Meh, I'm not superfluous enough to care."
truth is, humans are superfluous, I'm superfluous too.
I was confronted with this question, does appearance change how I react?

Oh. I guess yeah.

Examples I can think of...

• I was helping someone with physics homework online. I would reply messages a lot slower if she wasn't as good looking.
• I would actually pay a few dollars more for an object even if the only difference is it's color.
• I would turn my head when I see a awesome looking car.

This is just human...

Oh, just human?
Something people say to get away from everything. Did you know Pedophiles (more accurately Hebephiles) are just human? Certainly the society does not like this.

I think sometimes, we shouldn't stop at "just human" and not do anything about it.
Why be human, if you have a lot of traits you don't like? Yeah, accept the trait is one way, or, change it entirely!

My mom's view:
Mathematicians are crazy people.
I want to be one so I am also crazy.
But I fails more because I'm still not a mathematician and I go to Stony Brook which she considers fails.
I fail to even fail, that's fail in the epic proportion.
I will die in poverty because a CS + math major gets no jobs especially I'm in a university she consider as crap.

Maybe I will be happier if I study pre-med, and be the person she want me to be, instead of be a loser she believe I always am.

Nah... I'm absorbed in my own self so I chose to stop caring about what she thinks. That might be the better way to deal with this.

I rarely get angry. I don't know how rare is rare. I get angry like once per year. The last time was around July last year. 90% of the time, the person making me angry is my mom. How interesting. When I'm really angry. I have the desire to break objects. I think I have anger management issues.

Ha, she want me to commute to Stony Brook after the freshman year.
No way.
I guess I have no choice but to transfer to other schools. Even if it means I will not like it there.

I always want to be a rational person, but I still get emotional from time to time. Irony. But it's inevitable, I am still human.

I hope after this post, my activities on my blog will decrease.

Today I understood the huge gap between the people I know and who I am.

Not the people I usually hang out with. But the people who have the skills I inspire to have.
Today, someone told me that he should stop asking me questions because I will not giving him any useful answers anyway.

At first, I thought, this is mean.
Then I thought. But it is true.
Only I ask help from him and get his help. But I'm not competent enough to help him with anything.
I need to raise my level up, so I could actually be useful.
Not just for him, but for other people too. I currently not helpful to ANY person I seek help from. It's always me need help from them, I can never help them in anyway.
It's not they never ask me for help, it's when they ask for help, I can't help them because of my low skills.

If no one want to use me for anything, I have no value for the society.

What's worse then that?
Yeah. Some people want to use me, but I'm incompetent. Like a tool that doesn't work, only waste the users time. This is even worse.

I use so much time having interactions with humans. I have less time for other stuff.

Really.
All those free periods where I can't concentrate, instead listening to conversations and hang out...
All those time on facebook...
All those long chat logs...

True, all those are quite fun activities. Having fun is truly nice.

I remember from Yale's psychology lectures... Most things make people happy, only make them happier in a short amount of time, then everything will go back. Only a few things can improve the happiness for a long time. Having a good social life does, make people happier though out their life. I believe to struggle for a small, short term happiness, is true happiness, at least to me.

I must to cut down my social interactions. Starting from Facebook and IM's. Then make use of the free periods I have. I might need to change tables if I have to.

Oh, how I miss the time when I don't have many friends and been productive.

It was my cosine's birthday.
Total of 5 people. Me, my Cosine, Mai(麦倩乔), Gu Yang(or just Yang) and Fang.
We went to Chinese pizza hat.
Where there is a photo of Yang with lamest pose thing I think of.

Waiting for seats

It is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.
So I did some calculations on the napkin on how to spend the money to maximize the amount of food we get.

Except I suck at calculations and my cosine already brought the pizza.

While waiting, Mai smile at the camera. Actually, she smile at the camera the exact same way in all photos. Creepy.

Cute shrimp.

The Pizza.

Where I realized the pizza is actually... square. I shall redo all my calculations.
Or I would just...FEAST

Yeah. Coffee

Then we go and play games. Where in this game. My face gets shown on the screen and my cosine punches a punching bag and the impact will reflect on my face on the screen.

We depart.
At night. I played some very excessively exhausting sport(badminton) and understand how weak I am physically.
Next day. I left Guangzhou.
Back to math.